Unringing the Bell?!

"You taught me how to love you, baby

You taught me, oh, so well
Now, I can’t go back to what was, baby
I can’t unring the bell
You took my reality
And cast it to the wind
And I ain’t never gonna be the same again"
-- Bob Dylan, "I Ain't Never Gonna Be the Same Again," from Empire Burlesque

I think this song sums up the process of deconstructing and reconstructing my beliefs and describing my faith journey. I believe Dylan used the 3 or 4 albums after his evangelical phase to try to really figure out his relationship with the church and faith itself. He often used the metaphor of a romantic relationship to make these points (just like in Song of Solomon). 

Herein is where he captures my thoughts and my heart. The church taught me love. The church taught me how to extend grace to myself and to others. The church taught me to seek peace, not conflict. The church taught me to see others as above my station (not take the seat at the head of the table). The church taught me to do unto others as I would have them do unto me. The church taught me to turn the other cheek, not to strike back, to put down the sword, to beat swords into plowshares. The church taught me to be humble in regard to my own holiness and rightness and to be loving and forgiving in regard to others. 

She "taught me, oh, so well." Because of that, "I can't go back to what was... I can't unring the bell." Understanding the love and grace of Christ "took my reality and cast it to the wind" so much so that I can't stop but to act on it in regard to others. 

Even if, especially if, I no longer understand or support contemporary evangelicalism's focus on having to be true theological right, having to be a political power that can "reclaim" our Christian nation status (that we never have been) by making all the laws reflect our theological viewpoints, and by creating enemies of those who don't believe rather than loving them with tenderness, kindness, humility, and gentleness to show them the peace (not anger and not judgment) of God in our own lives.
So yeah, in spite of my harsh words toward the church, I still believe. In spite of my disdain for the way the word "christian" can taste in my mouth someting thanks to the way we stain it, I have seen truth, and I still follow. I love the church, and I want to see it become something truly Christlike and to stop playing at restoring the power that came from being culturally beloved, community empowered, nationally protected -- we have a lot to answer for post-Constantine. I think if we were still fighting for our lifes in our faith rather than fighting for the last word in our communities, states, and nation, we'd understand far more the true nature of following. 

"Sorry if I hurt you, baby
Sorry if I did
Sorry if I touched the place
Where your secrets are hid
But you meant more than everything
And I could not pretend
I ain’t never gonna be the same again"
-- Bob Dylan, "I Ain't Never Gonna Be the Same Again," from Empire Burlesque

So, yeah, I'm sorry if my words can feel like I hate the church sometimes. I don't. But I do hate some things about it. I do hate the Christian nationalist cause it has allied itself with. But I've seen the secret depths of the faith, the things that changed hearts, including mine, and I believe we are trading those in for something lesser. We are trying to unring the bell, at least culturally. Having seen that, my passion can become anger and yes, can even sound like hate if I'm not careful. Thankfully, I have my wife to let me know when I cross that line. 

Even so, I can't help but still believe (thank you, Michael Been). I can't unring the bell once my ears have been opened. 

"What good am I if I know and don’t do
If I see and don’t say, if I look right through you
If I turn a deaf ear to the thunderin’ sky
What good am I? ..."
- Bob Dylan, "What Good Am I?", from Oh Mercy

Some of you may remember the old spiritual gift inventories that churches would take to determine where a person's gifts and talents might lie. They were really little more than a sort of religious Meyer's Briggs, but they could certainly be helpful in understanding ourselves. Well, without fail, every time I took one, I ended up high on prophecy. Now, before you think I'm psychic, that doesn't mean predicting the future. It simply means speaking to the church to deliver news that was usually bad news. God didn't tend to raise up a prophet just to say, "Hey, folks. Things are great. You're really rocking it down there. Keep it up." No. Most of the time, the message was "You've screwed up so bad I'm going to send you into another county as a conquered people so you can remember who you're supposed to be."  It's similar to when Paul called out the churches for rottenness in his letters. 

So, obviously, I've always been one to address the church, and not to shy away from talking about the shortcomings. According to those inventories, it was my gift and my calling. Remembering those things, even today makes sense of my life and my passion. There are others to sing Kumbaya and hold hands and talk about all the great things the church is doing. Not my calling. 

What good am I if I still believe and say nothing? I ain't never gonna be the same again. 

Updated and inspired by my previous post from here.

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #1 The Beatles, "Eleanor Rigby"

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#1 - "Eleanor Rigby" by The Beatles

There has always been a sort of profound sadness in this song to me. So many people go unnoticed all the time. How can I dare say I'm being salt and light in the world if I let them continue to go by unnoticed and unloved. 

Some people say I'm too friendly, that I treat total strangers as if I've known them all my life when I strike up conversations in grocery store lines, at the coffee house, or in a waiting room while my car is being fixed. I just ignore them and think of this song again. 

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Ah, look at all the lonely people

Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby

Picks up the rice in the church where a wedding has been

Lives in a dream

Waits at the window

Wearing the face that she keeps in a jar by the door

Who is it for?

All the lonely people

Where do they all come from?

All the lonely people

Where do they all belong?

Father McKenzie

Writing the words of a sermon that no one will hear

No one comes near

Look at him working

Darning his socks in the night when there's nobody there

What does he care?

All the lonely people

Where do they all come from?

All the lonely people

Where do they all belong?

Ah, look at all the lonely people

Ah, look at all the lonely people

Eleanor Rigby

Died in the church and was buried along with her name

Nobody came

Father McKenzie

Wiping the dirt from his hands as he walks from the grave

No one was saved

All the lonely people (ah, look at all the lonely people)

Where do they all come from?

All the lonely people (ah, look at all the lonely people)

Where do they all belong?

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #2 Bob Dylan, "With God on Our Side"

 As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#2 - "With God on Our Side" by Bob Dylan

I too was taught that the country I grew up in had God on its side. I too learned that you never ask questions when God's on your side. What I failed to learn until I was older was that, even in a historic religious understanding, God doesn't get on anyone's side. God calls people to join his/her/its (God is spirit, not human) side. 

I grew up believing that as long as I went to church and didn't do the actions that the grown-ups told me to avoid that God would be on my side. It had nothing to do with the attitudes of my heart or my actual love for others. It was all about not smoking, dancing, drinking, being gay, or hanging out with with people who did those things. 

I learned later that most everything I had learned as a child was garbage. True religion, I learned, was taking care of widows and orphans. Real Christian character came from exemplifying the fruit of the spirit. And I learned that the whole of religious law can be summed up as love God and love your fellow humans. 

And most of all, I learned that I never have God on my side. God doesn't get behind me and support my goals. Nor does God support the goals of the USA or the church or the conservative PACs or the goals of Republican or Democrats or Libertarians or anyone. God supports his/her/its own plan... period. 

The sooner I got over thinking God had my back the soon I realized I no longer had carte blanche to pursue every selfish whim I had and try to cover it in some kind of religious version of Manifest Destiny. We can ignore a lot of evils if we persist with this notion that God is on our side. 

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Oh my name it ain't nothin'

My age it means less

The country I come from

Is called the Midwest

I was taught and brought up there

The laws to abide

And that land that I live in

Has God on its side

Oh, the history books tell it

They tell it so well

The cavalries charged

The Indians fell

The cavalries charged

The Indians died

Oh, the country was young

With God on its side

The Spanish-American

War had its day

And the Civil War, too

Was soon laid away

And the names of the heroes

I was made to memorize

With guns in their hands

And God on their side

The First World War, boys

It came and it went

The reason for fighting

I never did get

But I learned to accept it

Accept it with pride

For you don't count the dead

When God's on your side

The Second World War

Came to an end

We forgave the Germans

And then we were friends

Though they murdered six million

In the ovens they fried

The Germans now, too

Have God on their side

I've learned to hate the Russians

All through my whole life

If another war comes

It's them we must fight

To hate them and fear them

To run and to hide

And accept it all bravely

With God on my side

But now we got weapons

Of chemical dust

If fire them, we're forced to

Then fire them, we must

One push of the button

And a shot the world wide

And you never ask questions

When God's on your side

Through many a dark hour

I've been thinkin' about this

That Jesus Christ was

Betrayed by a kiss

But I can't think for you

You'll have to decide

Whether Judas Iscariot

Had God on his side.

So now as I'm leavin'

I'm weary as Hell

The confusion I'm feelin'

Ain't no tongue can tell

The words fill my head

And fall to the floor

That if God's on our side

He'll stop the next war

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #3 Michael Jackson, "Man in the Mirror"

 As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#3 - "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson 

I know Michael Jackson is an artist with a tainted legacy, but that doesn't lessen the impact of this, one of his greatest songs. This one actually continues the theme from yesterday. Before I look to change anyone else, I need to face the, well, face I see in the mirror each day. I need to work on that person before I even dare to presume to address anyone else's faults. And sadly, knowing me the way I do, it's going to be a long time before I get that guy right enough to go around judging anyone else. 

I think this one lesson is one that could fix so many of the problems in our world and cultures. 

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I'm gonna make a change

For once in my life

It's gonna feel real good

Gonna make a difference

Gonna make it right

As I, turn up the collar on

My favorite winter coat

This wind is blowing my mind

I see the kids in the streets

With not enough to eat

Who am I to be blind?

Pretending not to see their needs

A summer disregard, a broken bottle top

And a one man soul

They follow each other on the wind ya' know

'Cause they got nowhere to go

That's why I want you to know

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

Na-na-na, na-na-na

Na-na, na-na

I've been a victim of a selfish kind of love

It's time that I realize

That there are some with no home, not a nickel to loan

Could it be really me, pretending that they're not alone?

A willow deeply scarred, somebody's broken heart

And a washed-out dream

They follow the pattern of the wind ya' see

'Cause they got no place to be

That's why I'm starting with me

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could have been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself, and then make a change

I'm starting with the man in the mirror

I'm asking him to change his ways

And no message could've been any clearer

If you want to make the world a better place

Take a look at yourself and then make that

Change!

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #4 The 77s, "The Lust, the Flesh, the Eyes, and the Pride of Life"

 As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#4 - "The Lust, the Flesh, the Eyes, and the Pride of Life" by the 77s

One of my core beliefs that has guided me is that unless I can acknowledge the evils (call it your choice, sin, bad stuff, flaws, etc.) inside, I can't become the person I'm supposed to. The minute I think I'm above anything is the moment I set myself up for a fall. There is an innate self-focus, selfishness that I have to resist, but to do that I have to know it's there and face it. It doesn't mean I embrace it, but I do have to accept it. I am a prideful SOB, and I know it. I want what I  everybody else be damned instinctively, and only knowing that's not who I want to be helps be resist it. Michael Roe and the 77s nailed me totally in this song, and I love them for it. 

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Well, I feel

Like I have to feel

Something good all of the time

With most of life I cannot deal

But a good feeling I can feel

Even though it may not be real

And if a person, place or thing can deliver

I will quiver with delight

But will it last me for all my life

Or just one more lonely night

The lust, the flesh

The eyes

And the pride of life

Drain the life

Right out of me

Well, I see something and I want it

Bam! Right now!

No questions asked

Don't worry how much it costs me now or later

I want it and I want it fast

I'll go to any length

Sacrifice all that I already have

And all that I might get

Just to get

Something more that I don't need

And Lord, please don't ask me what for

The lust, the flesh

The eyes

And the pride of life

Drain the life

Right out of me

And I love when folks

Look right at me

And what I'm doing

Or have done

And lay it on about

How groovy I am

And that I'm looking grand

And every single word

Makes me think I'll live forever

Never knowing that they probably

Won't remember what they said tomorrow

Tomorrow I could be dead

The lust, the flesh

The eyes

And the pride of life

Drain the life

Right out of me

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #5 Mike and the Mechanics, "The Living Years"

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#5 - "The Living Years" by Mike and the Mechanics 

This song was really driven home to me when my Granddaddy Taylor died. When I was a kid, my brother and I would visit Grandma and Granddaddy often. But as I became an adult, those visits grew far more infrequent, and when they moved to another state, we didn't seen them again until the funeral. When I arrived, one of my uncles (and rightfully so) told me directly that I had caused Granddaddy a lot of pain by not visiting or calling. And in spite of my ruffled pride, I had to admit he was right. I had (not intentionally, but by neglect) shut off part of my history because life kept me so busy and I had wrongfully just assumed there would always be plenty of time for that later. 

I have tried after that to be better about keeping in touch, particularly with family, and I don't want my kids to miss a part of their heritage. So, in the interest of "The Living Years," I remind myself that I need to put all else aside from time to time and embrace the listening and the hearing I need for my own life to be complete. 

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Every generation

Blames the one before

And all of their frustrations

Come beating on your door

I know that I'm a prisoner

To all my Father held so dear

I know that I'm a hostage

To all his hopes and fears

I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Oh, crumpled bits of paper

Filled with imperfect thought

Stilted conversations

I'm afraid that's all we've got

You say you just don't see it

He says it's perfect sense

You just can't get agreement

In this present tense

We all talk a different language

Talking in defence

Say it loud (say it loud), say it clear (oh say it clear)

You can listen as well as you hear

It's too late (it's too late) when we die (oh when we die)

To admit we don't see eye to eye

So we open up a quarrel

Between the present and the past

We only sacrifice the future

It's the bitterness that lasts

So don't yield to the fortunes

You sometimes see as fate

It may have a new perspective

On a different day

And if you don't give up, and don't give in

You may just be okay

So say it loud, say it clear (oh say it clear)

You can listen as well as you hear

Because it's too late, it's too late (it's too late) when we die (oh when we die)

To admit we don't see eye to eye

I wasn't there that morning

When my Father passed away

I didn't get to tell him

All the things I had to say

I think I caught his spirit

Later that same year

I'm sure I heard his echo

In my baby's new born tears

I just wish I could have told him in the living years

Say it loud, say it clear (oh say it clear)

You can listen as well as you hear

It's too late (it's too late) when we die (it's too late when we die)

To admit we don't see eye to eye

So say it, say it, say it loud (say it loud)

Say it clear (come on say it clear)

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #6 Mr. Mister, "The Border"

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#6 - "The Border" by Mr. Mister

I have to thank Matt Carter for introducing me to this song. Matt and I were in a band together back in the late 80s/early 90s, and without him, my Mr. Mister knowledge would have died with their hit album that featured "Broken Wings." 

This song really always speaks to me, every time I hear it and every time I play it. The idea of always being on the border of something new and something next is one that I've always believed. It keeps me from getting stuck in the present or the past, either the successes or the failures, either the loves or the wounds. "How many wounds does it take before we are healing?" 

I'm a dream chaser. I have been since my teens. And dreams do seduce, and as often as not, I end up back where I started, but I know I'm still somehow a better person for having chased them regardless. So I continued to chase and then to wait again, heart in my hand on the border. 

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We, we must go on now, wherever people go who go on together

And now, try to hold on now, too many of us have run, run out of the circle

Can you hear me, are you breathing

I need you near me, no I'm not leaving

I'm in no hurry to do this alone

I am standing here with my arms open wide

I am waiting here, heart in my hand on the border

Dreams, dreams may seduce you

But sooner or later they're gone and you're back where you started

Oh look, look at these scars now

How many wounds does it take before we are healing

Can we go on now, from what we have done now

Yes we must go on, our questions unanswered

I know what we're after is right here in our hands

I am standing here with my arms open wide

I keep waiting here, heart in my hand on the border

And every step we take gives us the strength to go on

And all the love we make gets us closer to home

I can see it all so clearly now, I can hear your voice in a song

And it burns down inside my soul, it takes me down this winding road

We can find our way back home

We, we must go on now, wherever people go who go on together

Oh, standing here with my arms open wide

And I keep waiting here, on the borderline

And every step we take gives us the strength to go on

And all the love we make gets us closer to home

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #7 Lenny Kravitz, "What Did I Do With My Life:

 As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#7 - "What Did I Do With My Life" by Lenny Kravitz

I discovered this song shortly before my MeMe (grandmother) died. I had been listening to the album and really enjoying it's introspective, almost melancholy tone, and when I spoke at MeMe's funeral, this song was the one I quoted in its entirity. I don't know how she would have answered the question, but I know how I answered it having witnessed her life. A very solid and loud "YES!" I only hope to live my life in such a way that at my funeral (and every day) someone would feel compelled to answer the same on my behalf. 

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Did I work on the battlefield?

Did I do what I thought was right?

Did I do all that I could do?

Did I put up a good fight?

Did I love all that I should?

To everyone in my sight?

What did I do with my life?

Did I exercise giving & forgiveness with all my might?

Did I honor my freedom & did I live in the light?

Did I cherish my moments?

Did I take a good enough bite?

What did I do with my life?

You can live any way you wanna

All you have to do is dance

Achieve anything you thought of

You just have to take the chance

You can fall in love with your life

'Cause that truly is romance

What did I do with my life?

Did I learn what I came to learn?

Did I listen with my heart?

Did I do what I came to do?

And how did I play the part?

Did I see all the beauty?

Because living is an art

What did I do with my life?

You can live any way you wanna

All you have to do is dance

Achieve anything you thought of

You just have to take the chance

Learn to love your life

'Cause that truly is romance

Oh what did I do with my life?

What did I do?

Say it again

What did I do with my life?

Oh what did I do?

What did I do?

With my life

What did I do?

What did I do?

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #8 Daniel Amos, "Darn Floor, Big Bite"

 As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#8 - "Darn Floor, Big Bite" by Daniel Amos

Terry Scott Taylor and Daniel Amos' music has been a part of my life since I started making my own musical choices. From satire like "Bibleland" and "Mall All Over the World" and "(It's the Eighties Where's Our) Rocket Packs" to introspective songs like "A Sigh for You" and "William Blake," to more longing songs like "Soon," they were always a band with something to say about the human condition. 

"Darn Floor, Big Bite" reminds me of the axiom that pride comes before a fall, but in terms on my intellect and my understanding. No matter what I think I know, it's never the full story. No matter how much I want to put my understanding of reality in a box and say "this is it," it never is "it." The moment my pride decides to tell someone else, "no, this is how it is, and you're wrong," I remember that my understanding is just as incomplete, and that we're both on the same footing. This song leads me to empathy, not having to be right. It also reminds me of the line from the Carolyn Arends song from a few days ago, "Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar, and both were out of reach."

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You touch my hair and cheek sometimes

Feel in yourself this flesh and blood

My poor flesh and blood, my poor flesh and blood

I think I met an angel once

But I cannot really know for sure

Do I know you now? Do I know you now?

Illuminate my muddled heart

Sweep the shadows from my mind

So I might imagine what you are like

And understand the great design

Darn floor - big bite

You are earth, water and light

Darn floor - big bite

Can I ever hope to get it right, can't get it right

I believe I've had a vision or two

Could have been a dream

I guess it could have been a dream

Could have been a dream

I saw the wide world crack where you touched down

And bodies wash up on a mythical shore

Will you save me now? Will you save me now?

In not-quite earth, in not-quite heaven

I'll imitate love like lovers do

In not-quite art, in not-quite living

I'll pray that writing it down is part of loving you

Darn floor - big bite

You are twilight, dark and bright

Darn floor - big bite

You are beautiful, terrible terrible sight!

Darn floor - big bite

You are love, fire and light

No I can't get it, no I can't get it right

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #9 Bob Dylan, "What Good Am I"

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#10 - "What Good Am I" by Bob Dylan

This is the first of two Dylan songs on this list. This one is the one that taught me to be sure that the ideals inside me match the actions on the outside. It's sort of like the idea of being a sounding gong and clanging cymbal if I'm empty of love. No matter what I say I am and believe, it doesn't mean squat until my outside actions reinforce it. 

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What good am I some like all the rest

If I just turn away when I see how you're dressed

If I shut myself off so I can't hear you cry

What good am I?

What good am I if I know and don't do

If I see and don't say if I look right through you

If I turn a deaf ear to the thunderin' sky

What good am I?

What good am I while you softly weep

And I hear in my head what you say in your sleep

And I freeze in the moment like the rest who don't try

What good am I?

What good am I then to others and me

If I had every chance and yet still fail to see

If my hands are tied must I not wonder within

Who tied them and why and where must I have been

What good am I if I say foolish things

And I laugh in the face of what sorrow brings

And I just turn my back while you silently die

What good am I? 

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #10 Steve Taylor, "The Finish Line"

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#10 - The Finish Line by Steve Taylor

Yes, this is another from CCM, but the reason it's so important to me is that it feels a lot more Flannery O'Conner than Billy Graham. This song knocks all the prestige and pride out of being a person of faith and shows life as tough and hard and kicking you when you're down just like it is for everyone, person of faith or not. And it says that ultimately it's all worth it. (Religiously, not because of anything I did, but because of something and someone imputed.) 

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Once upon an average morn

An average boy was born for the second time

Prone upon the altar there

He whispered up the prayer he'd kept hid inside

The vision came

He saw the odds

A hundred little gods on a gilded wheel

"These will vie to take your place, but Father,

by your grace I wil never kneel"

And I saw you, upright and proud

And I saw you wave to the crowd

And I saw you laughing out loud at the Philistines

And I saw you brush away rocks

And I saw you pull up your socks

And I saw you out of the blocks

For the finish line

Darkness falls

The devil stirs

And as your vision blurs you start stumbling

The heart is weak

The will is gone

And every strong conviction comes tumbling down

Malice rains

The acid guile is sucking at your shoes while the mud is fresh

It floods the trail

It bleeds you dry

As every little god buys its pound of flesh

And I saw you licking your wounds

And I saw you weave your cocoons

And I saw you changing your tunes for the party line

And I saw you welsh on old debts

I saw you and your comrades bum cigarettes

And you hemmed and you hawed

And you hedged all your bets

Waiting for a sign

Let's wash our hands as we throw little fits

Let's all wash our hands as we curse hypocrites

We're locked in the washroom turning old tricks

Deaf

And joyless

And full of it

The vision came

He saw the odds

A hundred little gods on a gilded wheel

"These have tried to take your place, but Father,

by your grace I will never kneel

I will never kneel..."

Off in the distance

Bloodied but wise

As you squint with the light of the truth in your eyes

And I saw you

Both hands were raised

And I saw your lips move in praise

And I saw you steady your gaze

For the finish line

Every idol like dust

A word scattered them all

And I rose to my feet when you scaled the last wall

And I gasped

When I saw you fall

In his arms

At the finish line

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #11 Carolyn Arends, "Reaching"

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#11 - Reaching by Carylon Arends

This one and an upcoming one are probably the most religious songs on this list, and primarily because they stirred in me spiritual seeking rather than actual any kind of doctrinal leanings. They taught me to seek truth, not systems or organizations. This one in particular always reinforced for me that there really is a truth with a capital T. We are just in the wrong place to explain it or put it in a box now. It's like the color blue to me. Whatever you choose to call it, or however you define it, there is an intrinsic "something" that we relate to as blue. This song reminds me that it's not just blue that fits that understanding for me. 

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There's a time I can recall

Four years old and three feet tall

Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar

And both were out of reach

And later on in my high school

It seemed to me a little cruel

How the right words to say always seemed to stay

Just out of reach

Well, I should not have thought it strange

That growing causes growing pains

'Cause the more we learn the more we know

We don't know anything

But still it seems a tragic fate

Living with this quiet ache

The constant strain for what remains

Just out of reach

We are reaching for the future

We are reaching for the past

And no matter what we have we reach for more

We are desperate to discover

What is just beyond our grasp

But maybe that's what Heaven is for

There are times I can't forget

Dressed up in my Sunday best

Trying not to squirm and to maybe learn

A bit of what the preacher preached

And later lying in the dark

I felt a stirring in my heart

And though I longed to see what could not be seen

I still believed

I guess, I shouldn't think it odd

Until we see the face of God

The yearning deep within us tells us

There's more to come

So when we taste of the divine

It leaves us hungry every time

For one more taste of what awaits

When Heaven's Gates are reached

We are reaching for the future

We are reaching for the past

And no matter what we have, we reach for more

We are desperate to discover

What is just beyond our grasp

But maybe that's what Heaven is for

I believe that's what Heaven is for

There's a time I can recall

Four years old and three feet tall

Trying to touch the stars and the cookie jar

And both were out of reach

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #12 Ideola, "Go Ask the Dead Man"

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#12 - Go Ask the Dead Man - Ideola

Mark Heard did a little experiment that became one of my favorite albums of all time. Yes, all time. Ideola was a sort of pre-techno, alternative-adjacent slice of weirdness that had more to say about life than anything else that came out musically at the time. But the song that really stuck with me from it was this one -- "Go Ask the Dead Man." How valuable are even the things we don't like and don't wish to have to go through? How important are the people in our lives? How valuable are the things we take for granted? Well, to the man who can no longer experience them, I bet they're pretty much priceless. This song reminds me to live in a way that sees that priceless quality of ordinary things each day. 

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What's the worth of one warm smile?

Go and ask the dead man

How bright the light in loved ones’ eyes?

Go ask the dead man

Where's the charm in cloudy skies?

Go and ask the dead man

Oh go ask the dead man

Who has eyes for an evening sun?

Go and ask the dead man

The smell of earth, the sound of storms?

Go ask the dead man

How intense is the lightest touch?

Go and ask the dead man

Oh go ask the dead man

They say dead men tell no tales

But if you want to hear your own heart beating

Listen well, listen well

Go ask the dead man

Go ask the dead man

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #13 Tonio K, "You Will Go Free"

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#13 - You Will Go Free by Tonio K

I discovered Tonio K back when I was working as a teenager, and a little bit of each paycheck each week went into a new cassette. Yes, cassettes. That was the player I had in my car. Anyway... Tonio K. was one of those troubadours who could turn religious concepts into stuff that almost anyone would want to hear without reigning down judgment or trying to create a false dichotomy between religious people and non-religious people, less religious and more spiritual (as the saying goes). As such, this song hit me hard and helped me understand that we are all in the same need because we are all inhabiting the same world.

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You've been a prisoner

Been a prisoner all your life

Held captive in an alien world

Where they hold your need for love to your throat like a knife

And they make you jump

And they make you do tricks

They take what started off as such an innocent heart

And they break it and break it and break it

Until it almost can't be found

Well i don't know when

And it don't know how

I don't know how long it's gonna take

I don't know how hard it will be

But i know

You will go free

You can call it the devil

Call it the big lie

Call it a fallen world

What ever it is it ruins almost everything we try

It's the sins of the fathers

It's the choices we make

It's people screaming without making a sound

From prison cells in paradise

Where we're chained to our mistakes

Well i don't know when

And it don't know how

I don't know how much it's gonna cost you

Probably everything

But i know

You will go free

You can't see your jailer

You can't see the bars

You can't turn your head round fast enough

But it's everywhere you are

It's all around you

And everywhere you walk this prison yard surrounds you

But in the midst of all this darkness

In the middle of this night

I see truth cut through this curtain like a laser

Like a pure and holy light

And i know i can't touch you now

And i don't want to speak too soon

But when we get sprung

From out of our cages baby

God knows what we might do

Well i don't know when

And it don't know how

I don't know if you'll be leaving alone

Or if you'll be leaving with me

But i know

You will go free

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) -- #14 Billy Joel, "Piano Man"

As a child of the 70s and 80s, I didn't have the luxury of computer games and social media to shape my thoughts. Instead, a lot of it came from the music I listened to. 

These are the top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a genuine person in this human experience. #STformativesongs

#14 - Piano Man by Billy Joel

This was one of the first songs to really play out the truth of how unhappy people are and just how far kindness can go when you encounter them. Other songs (like "Lonely People" by America) had touched on it, but this one really drove home the point with stories from people who actually felt real. It's like a Raymond Carver collection set to music.  

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It's nine o'clock on a Saturday

Regular crowd shuffles in

There's an old man sittin' next to me

Makin' love to his tonic and gin

He says: "Son can you play me a memory?"

I'm not really sure how it goes

But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete

When I wore a younger man's clothes

La-la-la de-de da

La-la de-de da da-da

Sing us a song you're the piano man

Sing us a song tonight

Well we're all in the mood for a melody

And you've got us feelin' alright

Now John at the bar is a friend of mine

He gets me my drinks for free

And he's quick with a joke or to light up your smoke

But there's someplace that he'd rather be

He says Bill I believe this is killing me

As a smile ran away from his face

Well I'm sure that I could be a movie star

If I could get out of this place

Oh, la-la-la de-de da

La-la de-de da da-da

Now Paul is a real estate novelist

Who never had time for a wife

And he's talkin' with Davy who's still in the navy

And probably will be for life

And the waitress is practicing politics

As the businessmen slowly get stoned

Yes they're sharing a drink they call loneliness

But it's better than drinkin' alone

Sing us the song you're the piano man

Sing us a song tonight

Well we're all in the mood for a melody

And you've got us feelin' alright

It's a pretty good crowd for a Saturday

And the manager gives me a smile

'Cause he knows that it's me they've been comin' to see

To forget about life for a while

And the piano it sounds like a carnival

And the microphone smells like a beer

And they sit at the bar and put bread in my jar

And say man what are you doin' here?

Oh, la-la-la de-de da

La-la de-de da da-da

Sing us the song you're the piano man

Sing us a song tonight

Well we're all in the mood for a melody

And you've got us feelin' alright

15 Most Personal Songs (a musical apologetic) --#15 Rush, "Subdivisions"

The top fifteen songs that helped to make me who I am and help keep me on track as a geniune person in this human experience. #STformativesongs\

#15 - Subdivisions by Rush

This song reminds me to be involved with and a part of people rather than letting myself be pulled into a separate existence away from them. As a blend of introvert and extrovert with a tendency to pull away when things are stressful, I need this reminder to open up my emotional property lines. 

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Sprawling on the fringes of the city
In geometric order
An insulated border
In-between the bright lights
And the far, unlit unknown

Growing up, it all seems so one-sided
Opinions all provided
The future pre-decided
Detached and subdivided
In the mass-production zone
Nowhere is the dreamer
Or the misfit so alone

Subdivisions
In the high school halls
In the shopping malls
Conform or be cast out

Subdivisions
In the basement bars
In the backs of cars
Be cool or be cast out

Any escape might help to smooth
The unattractive truth
But the suburbs have no charms to soothe
The restless dreams of youth

Drawn like moths, we drift into the city
The timeless old attraction
Cruising for the action
Lit up like a firefly
Just to feel the living night

Some will sell their dreams for…